I've been caught up in the mechanics of life, the things that should happen before the big 3-0 celebration. The expectations of self and culture have been setting my standards. I shifted into high gear to prove independence, success and advancement in life. The birthmark of the world has been my identity for awhile now.
Without notice, but with unvoiced permission, resentment was invited in through the back door. I began resenting the stages of the journey the Lord has had me on. The simplicity of my economic lifestyle. The abnormality of my job and the different responsibilities it carries. I became discontent in the relationships around me - looking for...for, that's just the thing - I had no idea what I was looking for. But gosh darn it, I was feeling entitlement to something and I was going to get every entitlement that I deserved. Flavour was seeping out of life. I had one major target of my anger and resentment - God. I was disappointed. I had big plans for my life to be successful. Big plans to take on the world. I created a list and was diligently checking off every item on that list that He had neglected to do. Day after day, I held that list to Him shaking it in his face. He wasn't operating with Time, He was working against it - therefore working against me.
He shouldn't have been so kind. I was struggling in my prayer time, waving that stupid list of my grievances against Him, when I heard that still, small voice so tenderly and patiently speak to me. "You haven't asked what I want for you." My whole being jerked to a halt in that moment. My first feeling - shame. Have I really been speaking to my Lord this way? My second thought, "Why is He being so kind?" I didn't deserve the grace with which He called to me. The incredible tenderness in which He spoke my name and invited me back into a place of submission with Him. The way He simply asked if I was willing for His purposes to be worked out in my life. I felt in those moments (the shame was very fleeting) humbled that He would still take the time to be so kind.
I wish I could say that then and there I was able to offer all my desires to the Lord. But, interestingly enough, it still took me a week to relinquish every dream, every hope and every place of expectation to the Lord. I'm still learning to trust! That revelation has been so eye-opening for me. Am I really still learning to trust? The idea of it seems so elementary, so rudimentary! I was still afraid that once relinquished, every dream would be lost into an abyss and never seen again. How wrong I was.
The Lord delights in the fact that I dream. He loves that I have desires and have enough passion for life to actually care. But, I'm realizing, I'm not built to be the dream carrier, He is. He is built to carry my dreams for me under His covering, under His protection and under His gentle care. Once brought under the submission of my Father, my dreams have taken on a whole new taste. They are sweeter than ever! As I allowed myself to trust Him, He reached down and pulled me up from the ground where I was fighting to see underneath the fog. He stood me up, straight and tall and said, "This isn't a season to be belly crawling. This is a season to stand still while moving forward. Look up and look out." As I lifted my eyes, I looked out, beyond the fog. I could see over it! I can't tell you anything more about what the next week or year will look like. However, I can tell you this, I'm standing still right now, looking out over the fog. My feet are planted firmly, but funny, somehow, I feel like I'm moving forward.
My dear friend Julie sent me this verse in a card. Thank you Julie - it has realigned truth in my heart.
"and He will give you all you need from day to day if you live for Him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern." Matthew 6:33
1 comment:
Hey Lauren...beautifully articulated this "winter" time we've been going through. I was agreeing with your words the whole time. Nothing has changed but our perspective...and that's changed everything! He is good.
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