Maybe its a gender syndrome...women are notorious for not knowing what they want. But in this case, I don't think it's gender biased. I have given the Lord permission to some really deep places of fear in me. I want it, but I don't want it. The fear still whimpers in hidden corners. It plays a mournful, pitiful song and pouts that its not fair that the Lord should have such intrusive access. But then there's Me - Lauren. Lauren that is so aware that there is more for me and that it is indeed my own fear that is holding me back from more of who the Lord is. I've asked Him to make me more sensitive, more tender to His Spirit's leading. More awakened to the light of who He is. I've asked for it! And yet, with perplexity and some frustration, a little place is still mumbling and complaining in me.
This season started with the writing of this blog. I didn't anticipate such a depth. I really should have when I surrendered... I guess I am taken back that there is still a place in me that shrinks back in fear.
"For we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but we are of those who have faith and are saved." Hebrews 10:39.
I'll be honest with you, I'm fumbling more than I thought I would to submit to what I feel the Lord stirring deep within me. I am grieved that I have bought into the lie more than I realized I have. The lie simply stating that the world has something to offer me.
It is the Lord's grace that I am here, in this season sooner rather than later. The Lord is pursuing me to save me from my own down fall. It is His grace that He is persistently asking me to take His hand. I know where He is leading me...He is leading me to a life that will have less of the security of this world. Less of the comforts of this world. Less of me, more of Him.
Part of me is embarrassed that this has been a harder surrender than I expected, and part of me is relieved that He is taking the time to save me from my own sinful oblivion.
Don't read the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan unless you're ready to be embarrassed by the reality of your lifestyle. Don't read the book The Power of the Blood Covenant by Malcolm Smith unless you're ready to have lies surfaced. And definitely don't give the Lord permission to have full access to you - holding nothing back unless you're ready to have your world turned upside down.
Pray for me...I want to be faithful.
4 comments:
your struggle is real
but so is the God who is in it with you ..........
love you .........
I have read both of those books. Loved one, didn't like the other. The "embarrassment as you put it, is the reality of why I disliked the one, but the revelation of who my God is had much to do with the fact that I loved the other. If you look up the word embarrassment it says this...something that causes a feeling of painful self-consciousness, uncomfortableness, shame, or humiliation. No wonder I didn't like the one book!!!!!!
I don't know about you Lauren, but I am not liking the word "season" these days. However, I have been prompted, even before this season of winter came upon us, to look ahead to the coming season with excitement. I haven't quite left the previous season......a season of grief....a season of reality......a season of teaching.... and yet also a season of intense joy!
So strange.....this "walk" that so feels like a crawl some days.
I appreciate your words, your teaching, acknowledging the source, and praising Him for your foundations.
I sat this morning in the quiet and did something I have never done before. I invited my heavenly Father to come, not Jesus, but the Father. I spoke out the truth that a significant part of myself has been in fear of Him for longer than I have been a Christian. Talk about a shocking revelation! How could I be afraid of God? I felt the "embarrasment" wash over me as I told Him this truth about myself, as if I was enlightening Him! The fear had wedged itself so deep that I no longer recognised it. It hid itself, not wanting to be found out. It hid in the dark place that is unreality. It disguised itself as death.
I opened my Bible this morning to the place in Luke where I left off yesterday and read about Simon of Cyrene, who was on his way in from the country, and was met with a cross to bear. Was he in the right place at the right time, or the wrong. I guess it depends on your perception of "bearing a cross". I heard the Father's voice begin to wash over me as I read that one verse. Jesus was right there in front of him, so close he could possibly have touched him if her wasn't carrying a cross. I will never have to carry a cross that can compare with the one Jesus carried for me. The cross I am to bear daily, according to the Lord Jesus, is light. I think Simon was in the right place at the right time and knew the privilege of following the Lord Jesus all the way to the cross, where the Father was about to reveal Himself to the world. For God so loved the world.....For God so loved Tracy, that He gave His one and only Son for her, and as she puts her trust in Him, she will never perish but have eternal life. My journey this next few days is to the cross, as I continue on in my walk through the book of Luke.
Hey, thanks for listening.
Talk soon
Love Tracy
I thought Crazy Love was great and it is still changing me. I actually just finished reading it a few weeks before we met in Vermont. I need to read it again and take some more steps forward. Thanks for writing this and I will be praying for you. Do the same for me.
James
Thank you for sharing this. I feel the same way, saying I want God to change me, yet trying to hold one or two things away from His loving reach. We all need prayer! Stanley
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